"Crazy pills"

 Tuesday, February 17, 2009

You may or may not be aware of the fact that I currently take medication everyday! What kind of medication? you ask....I like to call them my "crazy" pills! I went through a very tough spell after Tay was born. Tay had COLIC for the first 12 weeks of her life. It was the toughest 12 weeks of my life. (I am still afraid to have another baby....2 years later!) There were many a times I would call Hubby at work crying hysterically because Tay would not stop crying!! She could and would cry from 11:30am to 4:30am the next day! It was torture. Here I was a BRAND SPANKING NEW MOM who had never changed a diaper or given an infant a bath, much less been all alone with a new born and the one I got won't shut the f up!!!!! I was very concerned with what I had gotten myself into. What exactly was her problem.....Did she not like me? Was she still pissed because she was forced out of her little bubble? I tried EVERYTHING.........I changed her diaper...I put her on the boob....I changed her clothes.....I rocked her......I put her in the swing......I sang to her.......I walked with her inside......I walked with her outside.....I shushed her.........I swaddled her.......I promised her a pony.......I promised her a new car when she turned 16...........I did everything humanly possible to get her to calm down, but she HATED me and would not STOP FUCKING CRYING........I am not sure who cried harder her or me!!
THANK GOD THAT ONLY LAST FOR 12 WEEKS...any longer and I may have ended up in a padded cell!
Once Tay stopped crying things got better, but just not GREAT!! I loved my baby and thought she was really great and all, but I did not get that overwhelming gush of excitement every time I looked at her!!! I would do anything for her, but I was just not enjoying having a child and being a mother. I was so overwhelmed and completely lost. I felt all alone and did not know how I was going to claw my way out of it. I cried EVERYDAY!!! Nursing my daughter was my saving grace. I knew that I was giving something to her that no one else could. I knew that I was doing it correctly, and that I enjoyed this time together.
Tay lived with an ear infection for the first 10 months of her life and around 8 mos she developed thrush because of all the antibiotics she was taking. Naturally being a first time mother I had no idea what in the hell thrush was until she passed it to me and my boobs starting doing really weird things!! You will thank me for not going into much detail....trust me on this! This helped me make the push to wean her. My goal was to stop at 9 mos anyway, so we just did it a couple of weeks early!! It was much harder on me than it was for Tay. She was already taking a bottle, so we did not have to jump that hurdle. The night time feeding was the hardest habit to break! After only about 2 bad nights we were over it and she never looked back!
Once I stopped nursing my OB and I decided that it would be a good idea to try some anti-depressants!!! I'll take 4 thank you very much!!! I had cried everyday for 8.5 months straight and once I started taking my pills the crying ceased. I was a NEW woman. Apparently my hormones got all out of whack after having Tay so I need something to help me out!! I am definitely not opposed to anti-depressants. I have seen this type of medication change lives including many in my own family! (It seems we are pre-disposed for this....maybe we should hand them out at family reunions...HA.) I just never thought I would be the one to be taking them!!
Please know that this is only a portion of what I was going through at the time. I love Tay always have and always will. I now cry thinking of all that time I missed out by being emotional unavailable for my daughter! Do not take anything that I said as me not loving my daughter. I love her more than life itself and thank GOD everyday for the wonderful gift he has given us. I now know that being a Mom is the best thing that has every happened to me and one day, God willing, I will be able to do this all again.
Thanks for caring,


Sera February 18, 2009 at 7:33 AM  

Awwww, girl. I know all too well what you mean. I am so glad you were able to write all of this. I got postpartum depression and was on "crazy pills" too, and they made all the difference in the world. The fact that you wrote about this is wonderful, because women need to KNOW it's not all fun and games being a mom. It's one of the hardest things in the world - especially those first three months. I, too, will always be sad that I couldn't enjoy those first few weeks because I was just such a darn mess. I'm so glad the medicine helps you, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking it. I'm also scared about having another one. I don't want what happened to happen ever again. It's scary and terrifying, but a part of me hopes that my experience will allow me to handle it better the next time around, and I won't hesitate to take the pills much sooner if I need to. I'm editing a 5-part series I wrote on my struggle with PPD. It should be up in the next few days. Big hugs to you. :)

Heather February 18, 2009 at 7:55 AM  

Oh, wow. I can't imagine listening to a crying baby for 12 weeks, with NO idea why she's crying or how to make her stop! I'd probably need crazy pills, too. I'm glad you were able to get through it. :)

Carrin February 18, 2009 at 10:56 AM  

I recently started the crazy pills myself and my baby is 8! I went through a divorce and single parenthood. Things get tough and I just couldn't deal like a normal person. I didn't feel like myself.
I think we all go through tough times and some of us need help getting over the hump.
I don't feel bad about taking them when I need them and you shouldn't either.
You are a good mom because you knew you had to do something for yourself to make yourself a better mom and partner.

Candice February 18, 2009 at 6:39 PM  

Wow, that would have definitely been trying times indeed. I can't even imagine. I think it's great that you are shedding light on the subject though.

Many just think that motherhood and parenting in general is going to be a breeze. It's not always like that at first.

I'm glad you are feeling better about things these days. If it took some medicine to help you get there, then all the better.

Love the new layout!

Slacker Mama February 18, 2009 at 7:54 PM  

I relate to so much of what you write, as I've gone on anti-depressants after *both* my babies.

I remember when A was maybe 12 weeks old, calling my mom and saying "She doesn't smile, she doesn't sleep, she's taking time away from E. I love this baby to death, but I do not like her at all." I still feel guilty about that.

On the bright side, you now know that what you went through doesn't have to be that way. If you start feeling like that again, you can nip it in the bud much, much sooner.

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